Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
