we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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