I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
its liver damage thursday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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