I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
