I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
