Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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