So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
