She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
