My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
