I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
