I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
