I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So vagazzling was a success
I have tasted many bathrooms
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
