The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
