Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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