my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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