And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
