I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
