He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
