My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
