Your tits are I can't wait for
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
