sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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