I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
