I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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