If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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