I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize