Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
