How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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