hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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