So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
