What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This baby is an asshole
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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