Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
