when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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