I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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