I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
