i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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