Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
