anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
