the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
