Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Drunk is a universal language darling
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
