i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Randomize
