it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
