i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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