There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
