My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
