Did you just see the Batmobile???
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
