I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
