tell your sister to shave her snatch
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
