I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
