Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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