I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize