I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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