i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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