Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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