I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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