mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize