new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
