Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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