Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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