I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
